Facing 40
When I turned 30, I was in Missoula, Montana with college girlfriends. I bought myself a pair of cowboy boots and Paul and I decided we would start trying to have a family. Liam was born 10 months later and our worlds flipped right side up. We had heard of this kind of love, and now it was ours to treasure. Three years later Grayson was born and I marveled at how much love can grow -- how much infinite space there is for more love.
My 30s were full of full-contact, physical parenthood. Child-rearing, nursing, carrying, lugging, snotting, soothing and arranging. With pride and a bit of reluctance, my identity changed, as it does to U.S women who are also parents, to that of Mom. Unabashedly, I now drive a minivan and delight when it's packed with kids. Yes, I am a Mom. And I am so much more.
In my 30s, we moved from Brooklyn to Harlem to Maplewood with a short stint in Japan thrown in. The random pairing of neighbors we happened upon would come to define what makes home feel so comforting. The comedy of modern parenthood, marriage and busy lives would all become more rose-colored with a parent-hive to share it with. It solidified for me how I want to make decisions based on people and community.
In my 30s, I worked for three companies, giving myself to each of them. I spent a lot of mindshare worrying about work and career, only to have it all work out (so far). In my 20’s I was sure I could change the world. In my 30’s I (finally) started to appreciate the magnitude of history and what a teeny tiny blip I am in the universe, yet what an outsized role I play in the lives of my loved ones.
If my 30s were striving and climbing, I hope my 40s are clarifying. I hope there is more mellowing, less stressing. Already, my own definition of success has come into greater focus and when I tune out the noise of the herd, it feels golden.
And I hope my 40s are golden. The next time I turn a new decade, Liam will be 19 and likely out of the house. I will look up to him, literally, and marvel at his boat-sized feet. Grayson will be 16, yearning to be behind the wheel and with more freedom. He will have friends over and I will yearn to overhear their conversation as a window into their world.
My relationship to my career will continue to evolve, as will my relationship to my body, especially in my late 40s as it likely enters the (absurdly) under-studied and misunderstood throws of peri-menopause. Bad habits may be magnified and good habits will start to pay dividends.
I imagine this will be the fastest decade I have ever lived. (Or do they just keep passing faster as we go?) I am excited to find out.
My friends made me a Love cake for my Bday. Do they know me or what?!?